Recently, I thought to myself (always a dangerous thing) “I aint had a cuppa French Roast coffee in years. I gonna go to the supermarket and get me some”. So I went to see what I cood find. There was millionsa choices. Back in the old days – not back in the day – you had to go to a specialty coffee store to get Ground French Roast Coffee and there was only one brand. Much more expensive but worth the price. It had a unique flavor which I loved. Now we gotz Store brand, expensive brands, super expensive brands and MEGA expensive brands (probably mixed with Gold or sumpin.). Yeow!!!!! I were überwhelmed! Good for me, I thought. I gotz all adeez choices. Excellent!!!! So, of course I picked the cheapest one. Why not? Well, it was OK but it weren’t even near da French Roast flavor I craved. French Roast is VERY, VERY DARK roasted. So dark it’s almost black – like charcoal -which gives it the unique flavor which I love!!! BUT – this coffee was light brown. LIGHT BROWN I say. WTF? French Roast is DARK, DARK, DARK! Not LIGHT, LIGHT, LIGHT! Again – WTF? OK – must be the cheepness ada coffee. This time I tried the expensive brand. Same thing! Light brown. Don’t them peepils know how to make French Roast? Sheesh. Now to try the SUPER expensive coffee!!! Guess what. A little darker but STILL LIGHT BROWN!!! WTF is wrong with these peepil. DON’T NOBODY KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRENCH ROAST? Well – now it’s time forda MEGA EXPENSIVE coffee. This gotz to be it! Gotz to be! It gotz the fancy label and fancy price – so they MUST know how to make French Roast coffee! Right? Nooooooooo. SAME THING AGAIN!!! They all call it French Roast but it aint nowhere neer dark enuff. Somebody awta teach them how to make it right!!! I thawt my odyssey was over but I still had one last card to play. The COFFEE SPECIALTY STORE. They MUST have it!!! Itz even more MEGA, MEGA, MEGA, EXPENSIVE but I gotz to bite the bullet and pay the big bucks to get wat I want. I opened the bag and………. LIGHT BROWN!!!!!!!!!!! Wha……..? I paid all adat $ AND IT AINT FRENCH ROAST!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!! I went all over town witda same results. No French Roast for me!!!!
I bet some marketing person – guy or gal or watever – decided, “French roast is too dark forda average American peepil. Letz all of us companies make it cheap light and call it French Roast. The public is like sheep. Theyil believe watever we tell them. This way we’ll sell them regular coffee at French Roast prices and make megabillions!!!”
So – until I can go to France – I’ll have to settle forda regular coffee – at regular prices – and kiss French Roast goodbye.